Colorgenics Profile

At this particular time, you are feeling that you are or were unjustly and undeservedly treated and/or betrayed in your hopes and dreams. You feel that everything is against you. But look on the bright side for you are, whether you believe it or not, a survivor.

You are very self-sufficient and methodical. You presume to know where you are going but need to find a person who will recognise the way you are, not be too demanding and who is, as they say in Italy, 'Simpatico'.

You have a high opinion of yourself. It is perhaps because of this self-centredness that you become exasperated when you feel that your needs are misinterpreted by those around you. When this happens - and it does quite often - you feel that there is no-one that can understand the way you feel and it is because of this egocentric self that you are quick to take offence.

You are pretending that the situation around you doesn't matter, but the effort of trying to conceal your emotions and anxieties is resulting in untold stress. The existing situation is disagreeable. You feel unwanted and lonely and you would really like to associate with someone whose ideals are as high as your own. You want to be above the standard of mediocrity and this need to be needed and that need to need has almost become an obsession. You are trying to magnify the need into a compelling urge. You would really like to tell the world how great you are but no, you are holding back because you feel that your peers may treat you with contempt. This is a great pity because you have in fact a unique quality of character, but the continual restraint that you impose on yourself makes you suppress this need for others and you pretend you don't really care. You treat those who criticise you with contempt. However, to be honest, beneath this assumption of indifference you really long for the approval and esteem of others.

It is strange that the anxiety that you are experiencing at this time is of your own making simply because of your desire to be respected by your fellow man and with those whom you work with. You are not satisfied. The normal congenial 'you' is becoming quite introverted. This is becoming increasingly more obvious because you seem to shy away from participating in everyday activities. You are refusing to allow yourself to become involved or to participate with others and it is the reluctance to communicate that is the inherent cause of your problems.

I don't know how these people do it (results to all those character quizzes, etc) or this. This test consists of choosing the color that appeals most to you (in order) and then they generate a profile for you. Each time it's different because you choose different colors in a different order each time. So it's not something that will never change as your moods/feelings are constantly shifting. And each time I take this, it's dead on. I guess in a way it gives anyone insight of what I'm feeling even if I may not reveal it.

I find this analysis amazing. My hopes/dreams undeservedly treated. Amen. All my hopes/dreams...? Destroyed or just flung out like dirty laundry. And I am a survivor. I'm here, aren't I?

Very self-sufficient. I hate to be co-dependent on anyone unless I absolutely have to. I know exactly what I'm doing and where I'm going, but yeah I do need someone as a confidante (as my teacher said). At least ONE. I am independent but even those who isolate themselves from society needs a friend who feels the same way. It does get lonely.

Yes, I do have a very high opinion of myself. Rather egotistical, isn't it? Not that I'm better than everyone else, just that I'm just not like everyone else and I pride myself over that. My "needs" are always misinterpreted. Nobody truly understands what I need or want and they get frustrated in the process as do I. Absolutely NO ONE. I can only find comfort in those who actually TRY to relate and empathize with me, but others who just try to make me see their side aren't trying to really understand me or really want to. And to that, I do take offence. I mean, haven't you ever felt a time when nobody could just understand what you were going through and instead of people trying to make you feel better, they fought you and contended to belittle your problems? I know that I'm not the only one with problems in this world. God only knows how many people out there are worse off than I am, but I'm willing to try to understand people when they're at their lowest point instead of arguing with them. So sue me for being self-centered and thinking for myself. I never used to, so now it's time to.

You are pretending that the situation around you doesn't matter, but the effort of trying to conceal your emotions and anxieties is resulting in untold stress. This hits a key point. I tell people I don't care, but behind the scenes I DO care. Well, somewhat. If didn't care for my mom, why was I still protecting her? If I didn't care for school, why do I still get good grades? Why don't I get C's or D's? And etc. My argumentative teacher was driving at these points. He's a good debater. But I still put up a good fight. =)

You feel unwanted and lonely and you would really like to associate with someone whose ideals are as high as your own. You want to be above the standard of mediocrity and this need to be needed and that need to need has almost become an obsession. That goes hand in hand with having someone understand me. I do feel lonely, but I put myself in that situation so I must suffer the consequences. That's why sometimes I think about...just liking someone for the hell of it. So I can have someone to think about that I personally like. So far that's been a failure, no matter how much I will myself to find someone to like. No one has presented themselves worthy or if they are worthy, they're someone unattainable. I do have someone in mind currently but that's almost close to impossible. Maybe in the future, but that's highly implausible. And sort of weird. ;)

You would really like to tell the world how great you are but no, you are holding back because you feel that your peers may treat you with contempt. This is a great pity because you have in fact a unique quality of character, but the continual restraint that you impose on yourself makes you suppress this need for others and you pretend you don't really care. You treat those who criticise you with contempt. However, to be honest, beneath this assumption of indifference you really long for the approval and esteem of others. I treat those who criticize me with contempt. Those who criticize me = parents. And by criticism, I mean down right put downs. It's not constructive criticism that teachers give, just blows to the heart. I long for the approval and esteem of others? Very much so, but it depends on who "others" are. People I admire and respect perhaps..and maybe adults. I mention adults because the adults that are supposed to matter the most in my life put me down. They don't deserve my desire to be approved by them.

The normal congenial 'you' is becoming quite introverted. This is becoming increasingly more obvious because you seem to shy away from participating in everyday activities. You are refusing to allow yourself to become involved or to participate with others and it is the reluctance to communicate that is the inherent cause of your problems. The congenial me? I laugh when I think of myself as congenial. I might have been that at one point in my life, and maybe I still am sometimes. But the introvert in me is dominating my whole being. No socializing unless I'm forced to. Nothing whatsoever. I'm causing more anxiety on myself than I already have! =) That's me.

New topic. Sorta.

I feel like I'm being depleted of emotions and feelings. My mom told it brings tears to her eyes that I don't even look at her or acknowledge her presence. A few years ago that might bring tears to my eyes too but I can't feel anything for her anymore. That pretty much goes for everything. Like I always say, "You call someone crazy for years, they will eventually become crazy." They're just programmed to think/feel that way. Years of having my feelings repressed...I'm almost devoid of feelings. My mom also told me about a family friend who just died a few days ago. A rather good family friend of ours that my sister and I accidentally ran into while we volunteered at the hospital in the summer. The friend was lying on her bed and didn't recognize us as we came into her room. We didn't either at first but then realized it was her. She had supposedly gotten better and was out and about, but then unexpectedly died. That's how life goes. I know my mom told me this just to get me talking, express my sentiments...anything...but I had no comment. What was I to say? It's sad? Not really. Rather, I'm happy for her that she's not living here on Earth anymore. I'd like to be in her place.

I seriously don't know the meaning of friendship anymore. It used to be one of the things that gave me a reason to be alive and to be happy. Claudine, you always will be an exception. A friend yet so far, yet so near, always been there for me throughout. But for my immediate friends that are supposed to be there, aren't. I feel like I'm slipping from each and every one of them, even Jackson who I thought was the closest I could get to having one good confidante at my school. I guess I was deceived. He doesn't have any time for me anymore, yet he claims that we talk plenty. I probably say a sentence to him everyday or less. I want to tell him what's going on right now but he never gives me the chance. I believe he doesn't care to. With others, it's just idle chatter that means nothing to me. Perhaps that's what friendship means nowadays. It's been reduced down to "acquaintance." Gossip, grades, who's in, who's not, dances, getting a date, etc. Nothing too serious anymore. Perhaps that's what everyone only wants nowadays. Maybe I'm being too greedy to want more than just that coz I'm selfish. The ironic thing is, the people whom I've never met face to face seem to care more for me than my immediate friends. My sister's boyfriend, his best friend, my sister, Claudine, and Ricardo (didn't forget you :) Out of these five, 2 I've never met, 1 I've met but was too shy to say anything, 1 my sister, 1 my friend since the beginning of time. All people I rarely get to see or never have seen. Yet the people I see at school...don't give me the time of day. Maybe I'm overanalyzing. Tend to do that, take things more serious than they should be. That's why I should as a hermit. Someone told me to "snap out of it." I told them "But I won't snap out of it." I won't.

I can't be losing sleep over this
No, I can't and I cannot stop pacing
Give me a few hours and I'll have this all sorted out
If my mind would just stop racing
I cannot stand still
I can't be this unsturdy, this cannot be happening
This is over my head but underneath my feet
Because by tomorrow morning I'll have this thing beat
And everything will be back to the way it was
I wish that it was just that easy
I am waiting for tonight then waiting for tomorrow
And I am somewhere in between what is real and just a dream
Would you catch me if I fall out of what I fell in?
Don't be surprised if I collapse down at your feet again
I don't want to run away from this
I know that I just don't need this

--Somewhere In Between Lifehouse

Heh heh, that last post was posted at 4:20 PM. Didn't even realize it till now. =D

"Do you want me to beat you?"

Those are just the words I wanted to hear, coming from my mom. I need to have an attitude adjustment or else...or else what? I can imagine.

POW POW. BAM BAM.

Sigh. You know before she uttered those words just now, I thought "I would never want her to be reported." But once she uttered those words, for a split second, my mind changed. ::bites lip::

Well, I finally found out my psychological disorder. I'm a schizo. AKA schizophrenic to be exact. That to me sounds like a hyperactive person. Crazy, hyperactive, same thing. Jackson once told me I seemed like a schizo, since he's taking Psychology right now. He wasn't sure, but he said there were relative symptoms that I matched. So, I decided to look it up. There are two symptoms: Positive and Negative. I have two of the Positive (which are worse than the negative ones...but so why is it the Positive and not the Negative? weirdos =D) and all of the Negative.

Positive Symptoms
Hallucinations are thought to be a result of over-sharpening of the senses and of the brain's inability to interpret and respond appropriately to incoming messages. A person with schizophrenia may hear voices or see visions that are not there, or experience unusual sensations on or in his or her body. Auditory hallucinations, the most common form, involve hearing voices that are perceived to be inside or outside of the person's body. Sometimes the voices are complimentary, reassuring, neutral. Sometimes they are threatening, punitive, frightening, and may command the individual to do things that may be harmful.

Delusions are strange and steadfast beliefs that are held only by the observer and that remain despite obvious evidence to the contrary. For example, red and green traffic signals may be interpreted by someone with schizophrenia as instructions from space aliens. Many people with schizophrenia who suffer from persecution delusions are termed "paranoid." They believe that they are being watched, spied upon, or plotted against. A common delusion is that one's thoughts are being broadcast over the radio or television, or that other people are controlling the ill person's thoughts. Delusions are resistant to reason. It is of no use to argue that the delusion is not "real."

Thought disorder refers to problems in the way that a person with schizophrenia processes and organizes thoughts. For example, the person may be unable to connect thoughts into logical sequences. "Racing thoughts" come and go so rapidly that it is not possible to "catch them." Because thinking is disorganized and fragmented, the ill person's speech is often incoherent and illogical. Thought disorder is frequently accompanied by inappropriate emotional responses: words and mood do not appear in tune with each other. The result may be something like laughing when speaking of sombre or frightening events.

Altered sense of self is a term describing a blurring of the ill person's feeling of who he or she is. It may be a sensation of being bodiless, or non-existent as a person. The ill individual may not be able to tell where his or her body stops and the rest of the world begins. It may be as if the body is separated from the person.

Negative Symptoms
Lack of motivation or apathy is a lack of energy or interest in life that is often confused with laziness. Because the ill person has very little energy, he or she may not be able to do much more than sleep and pick at meals. Life for the person with schizophrenia can be experienced as devoid of interest.

Blunted feelings or blunted affect refers to a flattening of the emotions. Because facial expressions and hand gestures may be limited or nonexistent, the ill individual seems unable to feel or show any emotion at all. This does not mean that the individual does not feel emotions and is not receptive to kindness and consideration. He or she may be feeling very emotional but cannot express it outwardly. Blunted affect may become a stronger symptom as the disease progresses.

Depression involves feelings of helplessness and hopelessness, and may stem in part from realizing that schizophrenia has changed one's life, from realizing that the "special feeling" experienced in the psychotic state is an illusion and that the future looks bleak. Often the person believes that he or she has behaved badly, has destroyed relationships, and is unlovable. Depressed feelings are very painful and may lead to talk of, or attempts at, suicide. Biological changes in the brain may also contribute to depression.

Social withdrawal may occur as a result of depression, as a result of a feeling of relative safety in being alone, or as a result of being so caught up in one's own feelings and fearing that one cannot manage the company of others. People with schizophrenia frequently lack the resources needed to show interest in socializing.

So. I'm schizo =D My sister's bf is more Positive but he's actually both. Ooh scary. Me...negative. LALALA. Here are some early warning signs: (Ones with * I have)

-inability to sleep, unusual waking hours, day and night mixed up*
-social withdrawal, isolation, indifference *
-deterioration in social relationships *
-hyperactivity, or inactivity, or periods of alternation between the two * (especially this)
-inability to concentrate, noticeable difficulty in making decisions * (can't make decisions anymore)
-unusual preoccupation with religion or the occult * (not as extreme...but am fixated)
-hostility, suspicion, fearfulness *
-over-reaction to peer or family disapproval * (somewhat)
-deterioration in personal hygiene (Umm...it might have gotten better?)
-frequent hitch-hiking trips for unclear reasons
-excessive writing or childlike printing without clear meaning * (excessive writing IE. blogs lol)
-unusual emotional reactions *
-flat, expressionless gaze *
-staring, not blinking, or blinking incessantly *
-unusual sensitivity to stimuli (noise, light)
-smelling and tasting things differently
-peculiar use of words or language structure
-bizarre behaviour: refusal to touch people, constant wearing of gloves, shaving head or body hair, cutting oneself, threats of self-mutilation *

It's funny because doctors trace schizophrenia to mothers who don't have it, but they're dominant, pushy, over-anxious, etc. They're called schizophrenogenics. Hmmm.

And there you have it. Where's my psychiatrist!?

Sometimes I think I'm gonna drown
Cause everyone around's so hollow
I'm alone
Sometimes I think I'm going down
But no one makes a sound
They follow
And I'm alone
Yeah, if I make it I'd be amazed
Just to find tomorrow
One more day and I'd be amazed
Just to see it waiting
And if I make it I'm still alone
No more hope for better days
But if I could change
Then I'd really be amazed
And when you know you can't relate
To one more shiny face
Your heart breaks
No one cares
And when you know you can't go on
Cause everything is wrong
Your heart breaks
But no one's there...

--"Amazed" The Offspring

Probably one of the best Offspring songs. That and "Gone Away." They don't make songs like these anymore. They really don't. And I just don't mean the band, but all of the bands out there.

I didn't sleep for practically the entire night. I really don't need this extra anxiety right now. I tried to think about other things throughout the day, but my mind eventuallly strayed back to my conversation last night. At times tears began to well up and I had to hide them for fear of someone seeing. What made things worse is that normally I don't see him after school but today my friend was giving me a ride home, and she's his T.A. 6th. Usually, she's already out there waiting for me but she told me that she had to finish doing things for him so she told me to wait inside his classroom for her. I thought about going in, but I just stood outside and walked to the bathroom. I took awhile and thought by the time I was out, she'd be done, but she wasn't. And my friend spotted me and told me to come inside. I finally came into the room because I didn't want to cause more fuss...and just kept my eyes lowered. My friend apologized for keeping me waiting, I guess because I might have looked annoyed. I was annoyed at the fact that I didn't want to see him, especially after today. So fuck. He talked to me like nothing was wrong....but I could tell by the expression on his face that he wasn't fooling me. Thank God there was also another student in the classroom...otherwise it would have been even more awkward than it already was. I recall our conversation last night and he kept repeating for me to trust him. that's rather ironic.

I laughed, I cried, I was in fear. That's what happened in a matter of 3 hours that I talked with my teacher, Mr. Chang. We start our conversations like most about Pearl Jam, music, Internet lingo, and finally it always leads to the subject of me and why I'm so angry....blah blah blah. But it NEVER got to where it got just now. He knows like everything..it's like as if he read my blogs in one sitting, but perhaps more than what I've written in these blogs. I only revealed these things to him because I thought I could trust him. He really is...someone who has made a profound impact on my life. Probably the the only adult that I have felt at ease with....can joke with, insult, talk about MUSIC, and whatever...and feel good. He lets me say what I want without cutting me off or telling me I'm wrong or stupid. Most adults don't care to allow kids to express what they're feeling inside. Suck it up or you're wrong. That's it. And I'm open about anything and once I get going, it takes a lot to stop me. So yeah...I told him a lot....just...like really personal stuff that I mention only to a few close friends and even they don't know the whole thing, just minor bits and pieces. So he knows everything. But he started scaring me when he said he might have to report it and an alarm just went off in my head. I was just screaming NO inside my head and I couldn't believe that all the trust that I invested in him, he would do something like that? It's hard enough for me to trust ANYONE...and as for adults...he was the only one. So I got really scared. I would NEVER put my family into danger. I would rather let myself be tortured to death than let them come to ruins. Yes at times I express my extreme hatred for them but it eventually dissolves. I would never want anything so horribly bad to happen to them. Never. And so I started to almost beg that he would promise me that he wouldn't say anything to anyone but he told me he couldn't promise me that, because of legal documents or some shit like that. I was MAD. Fuck the system. They have no business unless I assent to it. And I just couldn't believe that he'd tell against my strong wishes for him not to. And I think he finally realized that I was extremely upset that I told him I was...(someone's thick-headed) just insanely frightened. because I was. If he told, I would never ever sleep again. I wouldn't be able to function ever again. But he assured me that we weren't finished with this convo and until we were, he couldn't tell anyone anything. I think he had to tell me that about 20x before I started to calm down. We were talking online of course...and I knew he was sleepy and had a headache but he didn't go to sleep because he was afraid I would never talk to him again and I'd shut him out exactly like I do a lot of people. If he were to tell, I would definitely hate him for life. I would never speak to anyone probably as long as I lived....because I'd be suspicious of everyone for life. And paranoid as I am now, that would only make matters worse. he told me it'd hurt if feelings if I were to stop talking to him. I had to laugh at that because he usually comes off as one who doesn't really care...just there to do his job and nothing more. So I don't know how that makes me feel. but I guess as assurance, he told me, "You didn't say a word. I didn't hear anything. Ok?" For now, that's a relief. But you never know. He wouldn't promise and what good is someone's word? I mean I did trust him, but now not so much anymore. I don't know what to think. I don't know what anymore. I'm so stupid. I can't believe I revealed everything. But you know sometimes it just doesn't 'help blogging because it's just not the same being able to talk with someone and interact with them. I don't know. I need sleep. And that is if I can ever sleep again...

If it's one thing I hate, it's Oprah. Her and her so-called "Literary Book Club" (which has finally come to a halt, thank God) and her amateurish literary critiques. What does she know? All she knows is to bring that Dr. What's-his-face on her show and let him scream at screwball couples. She's all about "cleansing" the soul and spirit and whatnot. Pure bullshit. So it's a pet peeve of mine when ANYONE tries to tell me something about what Oprah said on her show. I hate that bitch with a vengeance. Probably because my mom beat me because I didn't watch fucking Oprah with her. Anyway, I'm about to slit my wrists right about now because I can't write fucking poetry and I've had a week to think about what to write yet I still have no clue as to what I want to write and how I'm going to write it. I'm pist and my dad comes after watching Oprah or some shit and tells me about some 13 year old chick who went into a chatroom, talked with some 31 year old, they met, had sex (or rape), and now she's pregnant and ready to get an abortion. He tells me this because....? Am I 13? Am I that desparate? Am I that stupid? Hell, I don't even TALK to my friends or anyone around me, does he think I'm going to talk with strangers online and meet and probably fuck? You know, that's not such a bad idea. Perhaps then I can get kicked out of the house. ANyway, my dad ends with "I saw this on Oprah, so I'm just telling you for your own good." I just can't understand why people feel the need to "teach" me things that I already KNOW. Why they feel I'm too YOUNG and unexperienced. Like I'm SO innocent and ignorant of my surroundings. I have more experience than some of the mindless fucks out there than they might have had all their life. I just HATE everyone telling me shit because they "know" what's good for me. I KNOW WHAT'S GOOD FOR ME. It's my choice to act on it or not. If I don't, then I suffer the consequences. Why can't everyone just stop shoving their fingers in my face and telling me what's right and what's wrong. I AM a person. Then let me act like one, think like one. I don't appreciate your concerns. In fact, you can shove all your concerns up your ass.

"You will always know the length of yours, but you'll never know the depth of hers..."

Just something to ponder :) Some guy wrote that on the white board today and I chuckled to myself, while memorizing it. It's pretty self-explanatory...if not, you probably wouldn't want to know what it means anyway. =P That should give you a big hint.

So the state of California doles out $1000 to those students who did pretty well on their SAT-9s. I was lucky enough to be one of those students, but you wouldn't know how much more relieved I feel right now than lucky. This whole "college issue" has been bothering me forever. I don't want to have to depend on my parents in any way because that's how they will still be able to control me. I want to sever any ties I have with them and show them that I DON'T need them and their shit. But my dilemma is whether or not I should go to a 4-year college, waste thousands of dollars, or go to a junior college and not have to worry about all that money, plus getting a job to save up for graduate school and other expenses that I might have in the future. I already got a thousand buckaroonies in the bank which can already pay for a year of college at Mt. Sac, and if I do well on my SAT-9s this year, I'll get another thousand. That pays for two years of college. It sounds great and all but I'll feel all my years in high school was a waste and that I'll have to stick around with parents for 2 more years. I don't think I can STAND another two years, let alone another day, month, year. So I just don't know. I can't ever make a simple decision in life without all these complications in the way.

I also bring up these SAT-9s because a group of my so-called guy friends cheat every year on it. I've always strongly opposed cheating and if I do it, I beat myself up for it after. I just feel that the kids that try hard to get those $1000 bucks miss out coz some loser who lives in a f-ing mansion cheated and got it instead. It's sad but you can't stop these guys. They'll just learn their lesson in college. You can't cheat your way through life. I know that's how you become rich and successful, but one day you're going down.

My dad got laid off from work. I think. Do I care? Nope. I think poverty will do us well. It won't do him well. Nothing will do him well. If he's rich, he'll brag that he's the most clever man in the world, but then again he already does that. If he's poor, he'll bitch everyday. God, he'll be HOME everyday. Ok, maybe poverty might not do us well. But today he took out his "anger and stress" on my sister, who just came back from college, got very little sleep the night before, and told her she was supposed to wash the dishes. I said I'd do it, but my dad called her coz supposedly she has "nothing" to do. My sister was dead tired, I could tell by the look of fatigue on her face. But is he ever that perceptive as he claims to be? No. My sister offers to wash, but my mom says "no, go to sleep. It's not like you want to do it anyway. And if you do, you'll do a crappy job." That last part got my dad pist and he blew up at my sister. And in turn, I guess she gave him a look like WTF. I know I would. How can they NOT understand that when you blow up on someone, your face won't be smiling or cheery? It's almost a reflex that your expression changes to resentment or disdain when someone yells at you. So anyway, he said something like, "Don't you dare give me that look!" and I think he slapped her. WHAT THE FUCK. At that time, I was upstairs, getting dressed and I just didn't wanna listen anymore. I heard my sister retreat upstairs and she laid on her bed. I came out of the dressing room and she was crying. My sister never cries. And that got me angry, but I had to put aside my anger and do anything I could to console my sister. My sister and I have gotten really close these past few months and I hate to see her be anything but happy. She was just laying on her bed, crying, and it reminded me of last week, when she came home, that I was the one laying on my bed crying, while she consoled me. While my sister consoled me with words, I couldn't think of any so I just hugged her and hoped that worked. I've never hugged anyone before, even though I may have wanted to. I guess because I'm afraid the person I hug will reel away in horror. I don't know why, but that's what I always imagine happening. She didn't reel away, and she did feel better I guess. All the while, tears welled up in my own eyes because I knew exactly how she was feeling. We talked for awhile and when she was feeling a little bit better, I told her to get rest and that I'd do any chores that had to be done. Coz she's got a midterm on Monday and there's no way I'm gonna let her do some fucking house chores instead of studying. Plus, she's really trying hard in school but my parents think she's having an easy time, partying left and right. And they constantly mention how she's overweight (It's called "Freshman Fifteen" you idiots) and they constantly embarrass her by telling her friends that she's too fat and needs to lose weight. Why can't they just DROP IT and get off her back? I swear, my parents should have been sterilized since they were born. No kid should suffer this SHIT from them. I have a razor and a match at my disposal. Both are within a finger distance away. I could use it right now and just cut my life short right now. Serve them right. Make them feel the pain my sister feels and the pain I feel. Except their pain will be guilt and the realization that they are unfit, horrible parents. Hopefully a death by one of us will induce them to go kill themselves as well. Don't we sound like a Shakespearean tragedy?

I dedicate this song to my sister, myself, Ricardo =), and every other kid out there with these insane parents.

Alone, listless.
Breakfast table in an otherwise empty room.
Young girl, violence.
Center of her own attention.
The mother reads aloud, child tries to understand it.
Tries to make her proud.
The shades go down.
It's in her head.
Painted room.
Can't deny there's something wrong.

Don't call me daughter. Not fit to.
The picture kept will remind me.
Don't call me daughter. Not fit to.
The picture kept will remind me.
Don't call me...

She holds the hand that holds her down.
She will RISE ABOVE. Ooh... Oh.

Don't call me daughter. Not fit to.
The picture kept will remind me.
Don't call me daughter. Not fit to be.
The picture kept will remind me.
Don't call me daughter. Not fit to.
The picture kept will remind me.
Don't call me daughter. Not fit to be.
The picture kept will remind me.
Don't call me...
The shades go down. (x2)
The shades go... Go... Go...

--Daughter Pearl Jam

I'm not sure I want to use the same type of "format" I used last time with this log site. The whole, "This was my day" "This person is hot" crap. But if it really means a lot to me then rain nor fire will hold me back.

For instance, I behold in my hand...my first Pearl Jam CD(s).

[cue dramatic music]

I told my parents I needed to go to Barnes & Nobles to study for my AP exams/SATs so they willing obliged to my request. My real intention to ever go to Barnes & Nobles is to buy a CD. Best Buy is right next door. Temptor? I think so. I supposedly have to economise my money, not spend it on useless...music. Considering how I buy absolutely nothing other than the school cafeteria lunch, my money is fiercely protected by my parents. I used to buy a lot of CDs back in the day and my parents told me to stop wasting my money and use it for more "useful" things. I don't really see anything as "useful." A person doesn't need anything except for food, the clothes on their back, and their integrity still in tact. Everything else is a luxury. But a person needs a break in life, right? Needs to splurge a little down and then? I splurge on CDs :)

$12.99 for a double-disc set. Is that worth my money or is that worth my money? And all thanks to the honourable Pearl Jam who made it all possible for their fans to afford two BOOTLEG CDs for the price of a regular CD. A regular CD generally costs more than $12.99, and bootlegs? Pshhh, they add up to....oh, I don't know $30-40 bucks? Mucho kudos to Pearl Jam. It is probably THE best CD that I could ever own. Two whole hours of rock'n'roll heaven.

Good times, good times. Onto bad times.

As a teenager, the most important thing is one's image. How one dresses, how one is perceived by the public, and other bullshit. I can't say everyone has never been self-conscious before, because I wouldn't know for sure, but I'm sure the majority has felt that way at least once in their life. I know I have. The usual questions that most girls are plagued with: "Am I fat?" "Am I ugly?" "Am I worthy?" sometimes I think about those questions too, although I try to steel myself from thinking such things. And currently, I had been going through that due to my insecurity as a teenager. I'm not searching for my identity because I've already found it since last year, but no matter how well you feel you know yourself, your insecurities will sometimes slip past you and you begin to question yourself and your motives.

I was feeling self-conscious because I noticed for the first time that I don't dress like everyone else. Sure it's similar in some aspects but I'm still not quite up to par with fashion. Not that that's ever bothered me because I'm not one to follow conventional standards, and I would have never noticed this without having a friend of mine constantly pointing it out. It's made me a little self-conscious about how I dress, but I'm not changing the way I dress. I still like looking tomboy-ishy. =) The dress issue is no longer a worry with me, just a minor setback that got to me when it shouldn't have.

But today as I was going to first period, a long time acquaintance of mine, Leonard, stopped me to say hi and asked me about what we did in class last week because he wasn't in class. ::cough:: ditcher ::cough:: At his side was one of the most superficial and materialistic girls I know. She's a model, dons herself in the most expensive clothing, tells everyone where she got it from, openly flaunts her "beauty," etc etc. I was asked what we did last week and I gave sort of an airheady answer because frankly, I don't remember things I did a minute ago, how can I remember what we did 4 days ago? So the girl next to him started laughing probably because she could empathize. She also flaunts how "stupid" she is and people supposedly like her better for that. "I don't know anything! I'm so stupid, but I'm pretty. ::giggle::" All the guys seem to love that. That's why bimbos are so popular. She is one, there's no denying that. But back to what I was saying, I seriously didn't remember, plus I was in a rush to get to class, coz I overslept. The girl thought I probably was just as much as an airhead as her, so she smiled at me instead of her usual haughty look. Then I saw her give me a once-over out of the corner of my eye. I looked up to see her give me a look of "approval" (like I even needed it). I guess because today I was wearing a "fancy" shirt as Johnny said, but I didn't see the difference. I wore army colors and I had a white tank underneath? There was nothing different about my appearance in comparison to any other day. And I don't need other's approval to feel good about myself, especially people that are superficial. Goddamn, some days I just want to wear polka dots and mismatch everything just to spite people. Once I get out on my own, I'm gonna start shopping at the Salvation Army and thrift shops. My parents would never let me shop at those places now because "We don't know who has worn those clothes." They just are disdainful of anything someone else has previously own, like it's not good enough. Well, if we were poor, we'd HAVE to accept hand-me-downs. And they always tell us we waste things and warn us how bad things would be if we were poor, yet they wouldn't accept the "poor" lifestyle or would have trouble assimilating to it. Goddamn hypocrites. There are so many cool clothing at the Salvation Army and thrift shops and they're hella cheap. And it's not like the clothes are dirty, they're washed. For now, buy little clothes as possible.

Last night, my "philosophical" chat with my cousin was cut short by my mother. My mom has a way of butting in at the most inopportune moments. But the chat took a turn from me reiterating what my cousin's computer book said and translating it into laymen's terms to questioning world religions. My cousin is a staunch Buddhist although she revealed that she didn't truly understand it at times, and I respect someone who will defend their religion but also admit that they see some holes in their faith. Like many agnostics, I don't like it when your Mormon, Jehovah's Witness, Christian, Buddhist, Satanic groups try to convert you to whatever they are and will argue whatever your faith may be until you see their side. The way I see it, if you argue with them that your religion is "superior," most likely the person you're trying to convert will be even more hostile to whatever YOUR faith is. So I suggest to keep your mouth shut until someone approaches you wanting to know about your faith. But I guess I am ok if you're very religious and you approach someone because you just hope to open their eyes just a little bit, say if the person were in trouble, at their lowest point in their life, etc. Just don't argue or make points why your religion is better than another. I am just completely sick with religious zealots and their fervor to force something on usually unwilling, innocent victims. In my case, I am the victim, and my parents are the extremist villains. Heh, I just threw in the villain part in because I want them to seem as if they are the bad guys (and they are). So, my cousin and I were questioning world religions last night. This is why I love talking to my cousin about anything because she's willing to be open-minded unlike...my parents and all you other obstinate freaks out there like my parents. My cousin also has a weird tie with the Virgin Mary, as in whenever she sees Mary, she will make a cross over her heart as Catholics do? But you only do that if you're Catholic or a priest, etc...not some Buddhist. And the thing is, my cousin was never taught how to do that, she's never seen it before but did that since she was a child. She also has dreams of the Virgin Mary and in her dreams, she finds herself at utter bliss when in the presence of the Virgin. I find that really fascinating because I just find the Christian (Catholics are Christian, go ahead and argue that but history backs me up) faith to be interesting despite my agnostic views. I actually find all religions to be interesting but Christianity has the most history, the most corruption, the most everything, and it's human nature to be drawn to thing with the most controversy, am I right? So for most of my life I've been told that Buddhism is THE best religion because there hasn't been a history of violence as the Christians, Buddha came before Jesus, Buddhists are passive, blah blah. I find that given the facts why a certain religion is "better" than another, I still won't believe that it is the RIGHT religion. My cousin asked me, or rather told me, if a Christian priest rebuttaled every question I raised and left me overwhelmed, wouldn't I decide to convert? I wouldn't. It's not that easy. Just because someone manages to refute your attempts to take 'em down, doesn't mean you're going over to their side. Argue with pro-life and pro-choice people. They won't back down no matter how much you argue with them. That's the same with me and religion. You're not going to get me to back down from what I believe. And thus, I questioned Buddhism last night with my cousin because my parents wouldn't even let me ask a question before they shot me down, threatened to disown me, and ask me if I've really become that evil to question their religion. My cousin and my parents have both said that there aren't any branching out in Buddhism, while Catholics branched out from Christianity, and then all those other forms of Christianity (Calvinists, Lutherism, the one that starts with an "E" and billions others). Basically, it meant that Buddhists had a resolute faith, there was no meandering about and "changing" their religion to their whims. (Did you know the Muslims or I think Jews - same thing and I'll tell you why later- update their Koran every time they need to? That's why you can never have the complete version because it's always being changed. Haha...."I want to have sex with thousands of women but not be punished for being vile and immoral." Hmm sounds good to the average male, eh? That's not actually in it. I hope not =T) But I remember about two Buddhist groups: the Mahayana and Taydawahtha (dunno how to spell it) and so I posed this question to my cousin, "What about those? Aren't those two different groups of Buddhists?" My cousin looked at me with surprise because I knew who they were. I studied Buddhism when I was little, and my parents were so happy, but they had no idea what purpose it would serve me today. And she realized that those groups WERE branches of Buddhism. She accepted that and began to question Buddhism herself. Strike one for Buddhism! Hell yeah. (supposed) Fact two: There is a new Buddha every millenia or millenium. Buddha is the Buddhists "God." This causes complications with the Christian faith and Muslim faith that there is only one God. A new Buddha comes, similar to the coming of the Second Messiah, every time the world is overrun with corruption and there are a few "good" people in the world left. That sounds like now, but Jackson, ever the optimist, tells me there are more good than the bad in the world. Uh huh, show me proof and I'll believe it, especially in this day and age. But anyway, when the next Buddha comes, all the "bad" will be wiped out and a new world will form. This happens every time a new Buddha arrives, and there has been 5 Buddhas altogether. Doesn't that remind you of the plague during the Middle Ages? Or the flood in Noah's Ark? I didn't see any new "God" arrive. I think "God" caused the flood to wipe out the bad though, but do I have proof? Not really, its a mere conjecture. So, this "fact" supposedly means that since the current Buddha was born before Jesus, and there were 4 other Buddha's before his time, Buddhism is the oldest religion, thus making it the FIRST and the most truest. BULL...SHIT. That's like saying every first born is the smartest and best. (I pride myself in making counter-analogies). Anyhoo, I don't believe there is a right religion, and I don't believe there is a religion for me until you show me proof, and nobody's gonna have proof. Yeah, you have your Bibles and stuff but how much stuff has been editted since the first Bible? Plus, it changes with one's own interpretation and those like King Henry VIII and King James who decide to rewrite Christianity according to how they want it have their versions out as well. Buddhists have their Pali of the documented Buddhas, but those people could have written it while they were drunk, you never know? Now that I've offended just about every religion, I should go because I have other things to do. Oh wait, I forgot about the whole Muslim-Jewish thing. Don't they both pray to Allah? Am I mistaken? Don't know. I'm getting it mixed up. But didn't Christianity, Judaism, and the Muslim religion all spawn from Jerusalem? The first was Judaism and wasn't Jesus Jewish? Yet, people hate on Jewish people? You hypocrites. You're all fucked up. We're all fucked up.

I hate my dad. Tells me, "Oh now you have experience." I've had fucking experience since the 6th grade. And the thing that enrages me most is how he does this little wave of his hand like, "you can go now" while not even looking at me. So I'm his servant now? Fuck you. I hate parents. If I were ever to get pregnant I would get an abortion. There is no way I am bringing a child into the world that may contain the same genes that I have and that my parents have.

That was random. I'm back. ;)