I was embarrassed twice, no make that three.

1) I think I showed my "jealous" side. Not sure HE noticed (Christian2) but I know I did.
2) I started talking gibberish with Christian2 because I was flustered. Perhaps about being jealous and something else. I didn't make sense but the fact that he was smiling at me helped. Maybe because I sounded stupid, or maybe because he knew something. Either way, it wasn't so bad.
3) I totally fucked up my English powerpoint presentation today. I didn't make any of the points I wanted to make coz I forgot them after my damn powerpoint continued without me. Fuck you powerpoint. Oh well. Don't have to do it tomorrow.

But, the upside is Mr. Chang gave me back my PJ review on the bootleg I own (FINALLY..after like 3 months and having weird stains on my paper like always) and he let me borrow his PJ DVD. He said, "Until you get your own, you can borrow mine for the time being." AWWWWWWWWWWWWW. That brought up my mood and I almost forgot all that other stuff that happened. I was so happy, I couldn't keep the sappy grin off my face for most of the day. Chang's also trying to convert me into a Rush fan. Ehhhh...the guy's voice is hella creepy from Rush. But it's....ok. I'm not going to be the crazy, obsessive fan that he is. I'm sticking with Pearl Jam. AHHH...Chang also said my paper was hella corny. BOO. Ok, I read it over like 3 billion times today coz I was bored, and yes it is corny. LoL. I tend to write extremely corny papers or extremely serious papers. Never in the middle. But he said it was clever and actually pretty good, and thought it took me a long time to incorporate PJ's songs in my essay. For example, "Yet most fans will attest to the fact that there's more to the band than just their big hits, and that they still rock despite a decade of grievance, insignificance, parting ways, and temporarily vanishing into thin air. They're a band that we won't soon forget." All the words in bold are PJ songs. It's not hard to do and not time-consuming either. Took like 1 minute to think of that sentence? I'm used to doing crap like that. I mean, he made me do that once with 20 vocabulary words, and it turned out to be pretty funny. This is a piece of cake. I could have gone on and used EVERY SINGLE freaking song PJ made, and THAT would be a real thinker. Anyway, I remember a long time ago, I wrote my first article on music. I had absolutely no commentary, nothing interesting to say, just useless info. It was pretty crappy but I loved it at the time. I still do because it was my first real uh...."journalistic piece" that I wrote. But now I've come a long way; my interest in music has definitely peaked and I know what I'm talking about now. I think. My PJ review is my second real "Music review" and I like it. I'm rambling. =)

Anyway, I couldn't wait to get home and pop in the DVD. My mom watched it with me and she made stupid comments the entire time. "He looks like he hasn't taken a shower in days." "Doesn't he comb his hair?" "Why don't these performers ever wear nice clothes?" "Is this band even popular?" "There's so many people; how much are the tickets? $5? $10? It must be free." Because they're getting sweaty and rockers aren't really too concerned over showing their abs or their ass. And yes, they are popular and will kick the shit out of the "pop" bands of today. There's so many people because they have a dedicated fanbase that still love the band despite a decade of...all that stuff I mentioned above. And yes, Pearl Jam does try to lower the ticket prices and they really don't have to because their music is worth the money. Heh, my mom was just complaining coz it wasn't Britney Spears. I know she likes Britney Spears. The gyrating pelvises and whatnot. Eh. Eddie Vedder gyrated his ass. Isn't that enough? And that's more sexier than Britney Spears. =) Anyway, I've only seen a little of the DVD. The only problem I have with it is that at the concerts, most of the spotlights are focused on Eddie Vedder. I want to see the rest of the band too, not just him, although there's nothing wrong with seeing Eddie Vedder. But seriously, the rest of the band members don't get enough time in the limelight, and they definitely deserve it. Plus, the lights almost make Eddie seem like he has a halo..that whole angelic light over him. That's sort of scary. Other than that..it's pretty neat to see the band mature. They all have shed their long locks, cept for Eddie who still has this mad puffy hair (but now sporting a mohawk). Stone Gossard looks like he should be a professor in college. He's aged a LOT. Jeff Ament....my personal favourite and the "cute" one of the band has really changed. No longer does he don his obscure hats (they were great though) and he has a short crop of hair. He doesn't look mischievious anymore but clean cut. He never wears long pants! Oh well. He looks great. The years have done him well. Mike McCreedy, did you swallow a pillow? Better yet, Mr. Chang? wuahahaha. Mike used to be this SKINNY rail of a thing and he is HUGE now. He looks like he has food stuffed in his mouth. But wow, his style of dress has changed extremely. He's wearing leather and slacks and stuff. Who says they don't dress nicely on stage? He's by far the most "classiest" Pjammer. Matt Cameron, ex-Soundgarden member, now Pearl Jam's drummer. Who wears short shorts? Lol. Hiding your shorts behind your drumset eh? I'm not too crazy over Soundgarden (I do like them though) so I don't remember Matt back in the day. He looks like a rocker still. And last....Eddie Vedder. Still the crazy hair, but in 2000 he had a beard/moustache which he never used to have. He has that scruffy look. He still dresses like he used to and still looks the same. My mom even noticed that Eddie changed very litle, with the exception of his new beard. He looks good too. Nice to see him smile again. AHHHHH. Man. I need to watch it.

Oh yeah, and I passed Vipul on my way to fourth period. We haven't talked in ages (face to face) or online for that matter. Distance does make the heart grow fonder. I'm not saying I'm fond of him in "that" way...just saying we miss each other that's all. LoL. Out of all the people I go to school with, he's the longest I've known. Since first grade, summer school (that was weird how we managed to end up in the same summer school and class EVERY year. I mean, what are the odds to that happening every time? Coz ok, you get a choice of 3 schools. Then, you're randomly selected in a class. I don't see it. It must be fate or something) But me and him used to have 3 classes together, until I switched out like 3 times and now I have none. It was sorta funny tho....he was all shy today. That's how he was after he moved to Charter Oak for a year and came back. Sorta weird. Anyhoo...I gotta do my homework. SAT2's on Saturday. BOO.

OMG, Vanessa is my savior. Or her brother will be if he can get me the Pearl Jam DVD on Ebay. AHHH....I'm so freaking excited. And it costs me less too I think. It would cost me less if I waited to bid coz it's only 4 bucks right now. Then maybe I could buy another CD with the rest of the money left over that I saved. Sigh, but waiting could mean someone else might bid, and then I'd have to wait until the auction ended, and I might not get the item before school ended. But I want it NOW. Sigh sigh sigh. Man, I hope he can do it for me. ::crosses fingers:: Coz everyone else I asked couldn't. Pooh. Chang offered me to let me borrow his but I said no. Heehee. He must think I'm insane.

Dear Mr. Vernon: We accept the fact that we had to sacrifice a whole Saturday in detention for whatever it is we did wrong, but we think you're crazy for making us write an essay telling you who we think we are. You see us as you want to see us: in the simplest terms, in the most convenient definitions. But what we found out is that each one of us is a brain, and an athlete, and a basket case, a princess, and a criminal. Does that answer your question?

Sincerely yours,
The Breakfast Club

Guess what I watched? I'm catching up with the 80s once again. "Breakfast Club" was actually better than "Pretty in Pink" because you got to see these actors at their best (because after the 80s, their careers went downhill). The cheese definitely was cut down, but was still there because you can't have the 80s without the cheese.

Best Actor? Judd Nelson, hands down. Every word he uttered rang a truth.

A couple lines from BTC (from Judd's character):

John Bender: Don't you ever talk about my friends! You don't know any of my friends. You don't look at any of my friends. And you certainly wouldn't condescend to speak to any of my friends. So you just stick to the things you know: shopping, nail polish, your father's BMW, and your poor, rich drunk mother in the Caribbean.
Claire Standish: Shut up!
John Bender: And as far as being concerned about what's gonna happen when you and I walk down the hallways of school together, you can forget it cuz it's never gonna happen. Just bury your head in the sand and wait for your fucking prom.

Brian Johnson: I'm a fucking idiot because I can't make a lamp?
John Bender: No. You're a genius because you can't make a lamp.

[Depicting a typical scene with his parents.]
John Bender: [as his father] "Stupid, worthless, no-good goddamn freeloading son of a bitch retarded big-mouthed know-it-all asshole jerk." [as his mother] "You forgot ugly, lazy and disrespectful." [as his father] "Shut up, bitch! Go fix me turkey pot pie!"

There's more lines, but I can't remember. He's by far the most interesting - sarcastic, witty, mean, and brutally honest. Molly Ringwald is cute, and I think that's all that she's good for. Her role fits her perfectly as the princess. Anthony Michael Hall - don't know much about him, but give him props being able to shed a tear (maybe more) when he asks what's going to happen to all of them on Monday. Will they still be friends? Or will they go back to their lives as if nothing happened? I dunno, but I admire guys who can cry on-screen. Emilio Estevez. Why does his father and one of his brothers have the last name of Sheen while his sister, him, and another one of his brothers have the last name of Estevez? He played the "nice" jock who was considerate of everyone's feelings at one point in the time in the movie. Cute. Just like Molly Ringwald. I didn't get how he suddenly fell for the basketcase in the end after she shed her dark makeup. Frankly, I think Ally Sheedy looked better with her dark makeup than the supposedly "pretty" girl Molly Ringwald made her up to be. And Estevez fell in love with her after her makeover. THe movie was good until it turned to that. I mean that just ruined the movie for me because it basically says that guys/girls will go for you if you change your image. Nevermind what's inside, it's just outside that matters. Wasn't the whole point of the movie trying to prove that we're all basically the same inside and that we should try to get past the stereotypes and the peer pressure to like people for who they are? That was a BAD move. And what the hell? Anthony Michael Hall, who played the nerd was left without anyone while Judd Nelson and Molly Ringwald paired up (ok, that was inevitable), but the jock and the other girl remaining got together, so what about Hall? What else does that say? Nerds get nothing in the end? BOO! Hell, he should have gotten ALL the girls. He deserves better. After all, he wrote their essays for them and he made them all confront reality, no matter how bitter it was for him. BOO. Ally Sheedy....um.....didn't understand her character at all. But I understand what a basketcase is now. Could have done without her character. It seemed like her character was thrown in there for more stereotyping, and that's why pairing her and Estevez up didn't make sense at all. Anyhoo, the end made up for it. Seemed a little rushed, but was good.

I also rented "House of Mirth" for school and it was a major disappointment. I couldn't even sit through it because it was so boring. I don't know why it was "so good" because it was crap. The book was much better and there were so many scenes and characters deleted it was difficult to follow, even though I read the book. Very choppy. Plus, everyone talked like they were flirting. I'm dreading "The Age of Innocence" now. But, I also rented "Rebel Without a Cause." James Dean.....=) I didn't know it was in color.

the worst of times, comes the best. These last two days have been bliss. And all because I'm a teenage girl smitten with someone. I need to give the guy an alias like I did last time, except that didn't pan out too well. I guess he will be Christian2 from now on.

Remember about a week ago how I said I wished he would flirt back sometimes? I noticed that he doesn't really pay much attention to people when they are speaking to him. He sorta brushes them off and doesn't offer to further the conversation. I was getting that too from him and it sort of made me sad and angry at the same time but I didn't show it. I just didn't need another thing to bring me down so I pushed myself to be happy by smiling when entering classrooms when I usually never smile on any occassion. I'm doing this for my own benefit, and not for him because I need to keep my sanity intact. Anyway, if he wasn't going to keep a conversation going, why should I bother? This proved to be some sort of reverse psychology because I can see him fidgeting when I'm doing nothing and not talking to him. And today I guess he couldn't stand to see me bored and alleviating my boredom by talking to him like I usually do, so he struck up a conversation (you know, now that I think about it, he strikes up most of the convos and then I'm the one who's talking in the end while he's half listening and I get the feeling he's trying to brush me off. What is up with that?). For once, it felt nice to be on the other end for once. It was cute to see him try to keep me "entertained" while I feigned mock disinterest. Then we got sorta loud coz I was insulting his stupidity and illiteracy (muahaha, he's smarter than I am, just not quite up to date on certain things) and he was giving me major attitude (jokingly) when I caught some chick staring at us, or rather me and I sorta quieted down while he kept jabbering. When I caught the girl looking at me, I was smiling like a freak and I felt stupid. The look she gave me made me feel uncomfortable too, because I had seen that look before. Later, some girl asked Christian2 why he never smiled and he's like, "I smile sometimes." And the girl said, "No you don't." But the girl who gave me the look piped up and said, "Yeah he does; he smiles only when he's talking with her." (referring to me) And a bunch of other people started piping up and agreeing and someone said, "He's only happy when he talks to her." and "Awww look he's blushing!" I missed his "blush" because I was looking away, coz I was rather embarrassed and trying to keep from smiling. Like you know when you get embarrassed you have this...sort of sheepish grin? That was me trying to stop myself from doing that. Once again, this is the 2nd time that this has happened, where the class seems to butt in and embarrass me and the guy.

Ahh....it was embarrassing...but still something memorable..in a way. And yesterday, my friend and I were in class and he came in and my friend wanted to go talk with him but wanted me to go along because I "knew" him better. (ooh big run on sentence) I told her if she wanted to talk with him, she could go right ahead, but I was staying right where I was. =) But my friend kept bugging me and I think he heard, so he came over and she started making idle coversation with him, asking him what was up, and yadda. I listened with my head down on the desk, not looking up, looking sleepy and bored. When their conversation began to turn stale, I looked up and we just sorta stared at each other. I'm not gonna say, "We stared into each others eyes" because that would be implying something that didn't happen. It was almost like a staredown to see who could stare at each other the longest. He looked at me with wearied eyes and I replicated his expression, until I broke our stare session by looking down again. Because all that time, my friend must have been looking at us like we were nutso. =)

Sigh. I think I'm playing games with him and he's doing the same. OH yeah, I also talked to him on the phone for the first time. He totally doesn't sound like how he does in person. He sounds cute on the phone. LoL. Anyway, enough of this stuff. =)

I made AP Lit! w00t! And I got my results back from my May SATs and I did better than I ever did before. My mom was proud and she told me she'd take me out to Jack-n-the-Box tomorrow. I'm sure Mr. Chang would be proud too because he told me all I needed was 1200 and above and I could get into UCSD. And he's been helping me try to achieve that so I gotta share the news with him. Ahh...speaking of Chang, he offered to let me borrow his Pearl Jam: Touring Band 2000 DVD but I told him I was gonna buy it this weekend. Turns out I can't find it anywhere except at Tower Records and I don't have enough money to pay for it coz their price is all jacked up. So I think I gotta get it online...except I'm not allowed to buy anythign online? So, I need to get a friend to buy it for me and reimburse them. Thing is, we have like...maybe 15 school days left and it takes 3-10 business days to be delivered. So I gotta act fast if I want it.

Anyway, I'm hella sleepy. Run on sentences, poor grammar, everywhere. Night.

One thing I wll truly regret is not having seen Pearl Jam live before I die. I'm serious. So, since my chances are close to slim and nothing, I am getting money somehow, and going to buy their Pearl Jam: Touring Band 2000 somehow. I WILL get it. And I will be happy. For the 2hours and 50 minutes that it takes to watch the entire thing. Because we have a freaking DVD player now.

"That what you fear the most could meet you halfway."

I should just start these blogs with a quote from Pearl Jam. Most likely I'll have a quote by them after my yearbook picture. It's not quite as good as "Procrastination is like masturbation; you're only fucking yourself in the end." but I doubt I'll be allowed to put that.

Speaking of Pearl Jam, it's helped me pass the time away in Chang's class. All the papers are graded so I have nothing to do. So I write on the little desk that I sit at. I just scratch out lyrics to Pearl Jam and even one of the other aides whom I've never seen before wrote one of his own, and I finished it for him. He wrote me a message too. I wrote back. Right now, Chang's doing the "social issue" project with his class because I suggested he do that. It's a nice thing to end the year with, y'know? Something fun, something serious, something you actually care about that you can present to the class. We did it last year and it was something I really liked. I got to write about Columbine and my thoughts on the whole thing. And oddly enough, I played the song "Jeremy" by Pearl Jam (I didn't even like them at the time). Chang thought I did tho, so he was asking me if I had the sister album, which was "Daughter." And I was just like...uhhhh because I didn't know the name of any of their songs at the time except for "Jeremy." I seriously could not name any, except maybe for "Alive" because I guessed. Look at me now. =) Spitting songs and titles from Pearl Jam left and right. I'm more of a fan than Chang is even tho I don't even own any of their studio albums. =) Anyway, it's funny hearing the lectures he gave our class year to this class. I remember him asking any of us if we kept a journal or some sort. Does this count? Both Jackson and Vipul turned their eyes toward me and I motioned them to look away coz I didn't want to let anyone know I kept one. Good thing Chang never paid attention to either otherwise he would have caught their gaze and ask me to tell the class I kept a freaking diary. It's a little embarrassing to say, "I keep a diary." I don't know why, but it is. It's just a "girlie" thing to do. I used to have one as a kid, which my sister always found and read and teased me. After that I only wrote crap that she couldn't blackmail me with. I think I started up again in 7th grade and ended 8th. Then I moved onto the Internet. This has pretty much been my "diary" if you can call it that. And yeah, you look back at what you wrote back then and now, there's a huge significance in everything. But would this be a diary since people have access to it? To me it's just......a blog. Oreo.

Everyone is talented in something and it's not up to any one person to say which talent is better than the other. Some are brilliant in art, some in math, some in science, but how do you tell which makes you better than someone else's talent? You can't. That's what my dad cannot understand. I don't think he even deserves a term so endearing of "dad" or "father." More like #1 Idiot. He told me, "You're afraid to take physics, but I took it." Does that prove anything? No. Maybe I hate science and it bores me to no end. And it's not a requirement to take it so why the hell am I going to spend my time wasting more of my brain cells on a class that I have absolutely no interest in? Again, another chance to elevate his already inflated ego that he's "better" than me because he took physics. Fuck, I could take the fucking class and get an A in it if I wanted. If I put my mind to it in all my classes, I might be valedictorian right now but I really don't give a fuck because school is a place that provides a sanctuary from home. I only do my homework because I have nothing better to do and it keeps everyone from bugging me (but even that doesn't stop them from bugging). The things I put my heart into are the stuff I care about. And I'm killing myself to get good grades, but decent grades to get me into college, because I just might have to go. =P

You hear all these stories about selling your soul, but now people are selling their soul over Ebay. And yesterday. I found a site that tells you a billion ways to commit suicide. From drowing to exsanguination, to decapitation, to silent deaths. All you need is money. I just want a quick, painless death. The only thing is I need to find where I can get the ingredients and I need the money. I can get both, but I need time to think things through. Because you can fail during the process and then you're screwed for life. Like that one guy who drank Drano (you know the stuff you use to unclog your drains?) and he managed to survive except his whole digestive system was gone. He now has to push his food down with his hands down his esophagus plus he had to use the bathroom almost every 30 minutes. That's a horrible life. So if you're going to go through with it, you have to be exact and suffer the consequences. It's sorta funny because the site was something like "http://satanservices.com" or something. Awesome. They had some witty comments and crap. I was laughing when I should have been serious. Don't take me all that serious. Just because I'm considering it, it's nothing serious. And if I die? Does it matter? One less bitter person in the world, one less mouth to feed, one less person to steal a job from another, one less competition for college, I'm telling you it's for the better. Someone said suicide is selfish. Is it really? It's benefiting society and it's benefiting the person doing it. They want to end it, so let them. God, stop letting them suffer. Sure, it's the easy way out but I'm sure most of their life definitely wasn't easy. For once, just let them take the easy route.

I'm going to sleep.

Rebel Without A Cause

There's something about James Dean that's piqued my interest and I can't put my finger to it, and no matter how much I research the deceased actor, I won't find my answer.

There's no doubt that I've heard of him, but to put a face to him, I never could because I hadn't seen any photographs of him until now. Even then, the first picture I saw of him wasn't even him, it was James Franco who portrayed James Dean in a TNT movie. I heard James Franco was that good that he won several awards for his performance. Unfortunately, I haven't seen it. Nor have I seen any of James Dean's movies. But of course, I want to. I've been reading so much stuff on him that it's certainly more than what I thought he was. Sure he was the first "bad boy" but was there more to that than his on-screen persona?

Absolutely.

He resented his father, his mother died when he was young, and he went onto pursue acting. (I've been reading both James Dean and James Franco's biographies so I may be mixing up the two - sorry) That's just the gist of things that I've gotten from most web sites so I'm forced (not really) to go check out actual biographies written on him. However, there are scandalous rumours that James Dean was a flaming homosexual. He was reprimanded about not denying it or denying it, but not with force because Hollywood didn't like homosexuals? Good for him. I'm glad he's not the cookie-cutter poster boy for Hollywood. But other than that, I don't know what it is that I just want to know more. Perhaps it's all the photographs of him are sullen and dark. It's not hard to tell that he wasn't happy and he didn't pose that way for publicity shots for his "bad boy" image. The only time he's seen smiling, candidly is when he's got his thick, wire-rimmed glasses on. The guy had horrible vision and was forced to wear corrective lenses so he wouldn't look like a "nerd." Yet I prefer his smiling, nerdy looking self to his other image.

There's just something more about him that I got to get the bottom of. He's just not another pretty face that caught my attention, because I heard about him before I saw him, and the interest was already there.

And did I mention for my celebrity portrait in art, I drew him? I could have chosen Christian Bale and among the throngs of many heartthrobs of mine, but I wanted someone classic, famous, and obscure somewhat. And it was perfect. It's my first portrait that I'm actually proud of. Perhaps my drawing skills are getting better or perhaps it was the subject matter. Usually the subject has to perfect otherwise I don't have much heart to put a lot of effort in the things I do. I think it was more of the latter.

It's been awhile since I thought about ending it. I promised myself I wouldn't do it ever, or refrain myself from even thinking about it because the best revenge is to keep on living. I believe that many Jews considered this before they tried to kill themselves. But I feel that I've got the wrong motto to live by. By living, who am I inflicting revenge on? It's only killing me, not anyone else. I have to live with the fact that I'm unhappy and have parents that constantly push me to the edge. And the blame is not completely on them. I know it's me too. My actions, my words, the way I talk to them....is belligerent. But why wouldn't it be? I lack respect, I give them attitude? But my actions are all precedented. And my head still throbs from the smack my father gave me. It was almost comical right before he did it because he just yelled "What the hell?!" in his retarded accent and laid it on me. I really do hate it when my parents speak in English using "harsh words." They try to sound tough using American curse words but it only makes them sound like idiots. Speak your native language. Anyway, usually tears would run down but it didn't. What started the whole fiasco was with trying to talk about my future with me. It's agonizing enough for me to think of what my future lies, (or lack of future) and it only makes it worse when he tries discussing it with me. Because he always brings up money and how that's the most important thing. Today he brought up something like biotechnology and I dont have a clue what that even is. But he meant to say I should probably look into that field because it's apparently the most highest paying job right now. I shot him down by saying I didn't know anything about it so he couldn't question me any further, but I knew he wouldn't stop there. Then he started asking me what I was majoring in and I said I didn't know. Because I don't. I've just been feeding my parents lies about what I want to do just so they'd get off my back. But my mom knows now that I have no plans for the future and she's not overly concerned. She didn't even lecture me about it. She just suggested maybe I could become a teacher or something if I had nothing else in mind. That's actually some wise advice I've ever received from her. And typically, my dad is more understanding than my mother, but somehow the roles have reversed. So I thought, if my mom was ok with it, maybe he will. I was never so fucking wrong in my life. Telling him I didn't know is one of the most major mistakes I've made in my life. Then he roared, "What do you mean you don't know? You must know your strengths and weaknesses." And I said probably in a smug tone, "What if all I have are weaknesses?" And he just grunted and screamed, "DOn't you dare use that tone with me." I was just really confused. He was saying one thing, but meant another. I didn't say it in a mean way, maybe smart alecky but I guess he doesn't like any attitude because he's the great one. Everyone must bow down and be submissive to the pompous ass. He really lost it because he started rambling and became incoherent. I knew his real reason for being mad was that I revealed I didn't know what I was going to do with my life. I would think he would have figured that out by now when I said I didn't care to go to college. They can never see the subtle hints I drop and I'm forced to come out and say it straight out. But he was just angry that he knew my sister was going nowhere and he thought at least I would be going somewhere in life because he didn't get the chance to even though he's got all these "skills." Well, reality check, none of us are. I remember him telling my sister and I as children that we must go above what our parents did because if we don't, the future generations will get stupider. What future generations? Why would we want future generations that would be infected by this evil gene? He ain't getting no grandkids. I don't want him to kiss them and pretend he loves them sooooo much just like he loves my sister and I soooo much. I want them to know what a raging bastard he really is. But better they never be born and live an unhappy life like I have. He went onto say he wasn't a bad person and that he "loved" us too much. He kept asking me if he knew he loved me. I really despise that word. It has no meaning and I can't emphasize that enough anymore. I'm beating a dead horse here. He just walloped my head a few minutes ago and he tells me that shit? Actions do speak louder than words. Then he goes on to say that even if I'm 100,000 times smarter than him, I will never equal his little toe. He never fails to elevate himself in any situation. I don't know what it is, but they believe I have such a high opinion of my "intelligence." Like I'm smarter than everyone in the world. I think they've told themselves that and their friends that (all lies of course) just so they could brag, that they actually believe it. I am nothing but I am a lot bigger than his fucking little toe that's becoming decayed and I hope he needs to have it sawed off. My only wish was that he could have smacked me harder than my head hit the dashboard and I started bleeding. And that I could have been knocked unconscious and then die from a hemorrhage. But, no. Ironically enough, we were near the police station too. Wish some police man would have seen. All I'm left with is a fucking throbbing head. Asshole. he has the nerve to pat my head to make it "awww betta." I recoiled from his touch instantly and he felt it.

When we finally came home, I went upstairs without letting anyone in the house know what had happened. I don't need to upset the rest of the household. But I just cried myself to sleep, thinking how great it'd be if I had a gun and pulled the trigger. But I just thought about all the people I needed to say things to before I went. So I thought up all the letters I would write if it were to really happen and that's how I fell asleep.

I don't know how kids with parents such as these cope because I know I'm struggling. I can understand now why Mr. Chang wants to get me help. I know I sure need it right about now. But then again, I don't want what will happen. It would endanger everyone living in this household. Am I willing to risk all that just so I can stop the pain? Would I be that selfish? I just don't know.

Wise men say, "Only fools rush in."
But I can't help falling in love with you.
Until I stay, would it be a sin?
If I can't help falling in love with you.
Like a river flows, surely to the sea.
Darling so it goes, some things are meant to be.
Oh, take my hand. Take my whole life too.
Because I can't help falling in love with you.
And I can't help falling in love with you.

--"Can't Help Falling in Love With You" Pearl Jam

A jumble of thoughts in my head. Listening to Pearl Jam makes it all better. =)

For one thing, the book I finished this weekend mentioned Pearl Jam and it's song "Last Kiss." Well, it was set in Seattle, how could Pearl Jam not be brought up? Two people were arguing whether or not "Last Kiss" was a remake of another band, and the guy said, "It's Pearl Jam. They only write their own material." Me? I chuckle. It's stupid I know, but hell, any reference to them gets me excited.

I haven't had a nightmare in awhile, but I did last night. The guy that I like asked me to ask one of my friends to have dinner with him. And he asked me to go along so it wouldn't seem weird that he was inadvertently asking her out. It was so real that I woke up feeling like shit. I thought it really happened and it took me a long time for my mind to register that it was ONLY a dream. I often wake up from my dreams that way because they're so vivid and real that I don't realize it's not REAL. I seriously felt awful when I woke up, even after I realized it was nothing but a dream. I think it was bad because I actually went through with it (the dinner), suffering through the whole thing. I hate dreams. =T

LoL, I taped Anaconda this weekend because Eric Stoltz is in it. I fastforwarded through it all just with the parts with him in it. =) Oh yeah and I'm hooked on Buffy. I watched probably the first season and stopped watching coz I didn't have time and it was the same thing over and over again. It's actually interesting now.

My life is so ironic. Yesterday I was ranting about my cousin and calling herself "Thunder?" Her fucking friend called today and asked for what sounded like "Amber" and I told her she had the wrong number. The girl called again and this time I heard her say "Thunder" in a weird way. Haha, I had the fucking nerve to say, "You mean THANDA?" And she's like "Excuse me?" I'm like, "Yeah, THANDA. THANDA isn't home right now." I crack me up. Her friend is probably all butt-confused now. She has the dumbest friends, and I mean DUMB. I'm not even going to begin with all the crap her friends get themselves into and don't know how to get out of it. Anyway, I should have said, "We only have a THANDA in this household. Who are you calling for? Thunder or THANDA?" She probably would have hung up on me.

My days are getting better, but that always mean they're shooting for a downer sooner or later. We had an unexpected sub in Art today and so Johnny, Jessica and I headed out to the library to "research." We ended up talking with some friends from Morales's (AP Spanish) class. Jared, whom I've seen around the campus several times, we barely get to talk - just acknowledge each other with a smile or nod. But he's in Spanish so we got to hang out and shoot the crap like old times again. Then Danny came over and we all started bagging on how abstract art is the "art form of crap." It was a nice change of environment where everyone can actually be objective to art that makes absolutely no sense or is even considered to be "good." It turns out Danny and I have similar tastes in art. We like the Italian artists of the Renaissance, just pure, classical art. None of that abstract bullshit that you have to force yourself to "feel" something from it and let your emotions overtake you. Heh, then we saw tons of Michelangelo's works and if you study Michelangelo, most of his work consists of nudes. Male nudes. Frontal male nudes. LoL. Am I getting through here? So I posed the question, "Man, how the hell did he sculpt those....you know? That'd be weird." Johnny, Danny, and Liem all looked at me weird and started laughing and were like, "OK, why're you even wondering?" Hey, you gotta wonder about these things, you gotta ask questions that some people may be thinking about but are afraid to ask.

So the French movie we watched in French. Err. Yeah. It's called "La Boum" or "The Party." The soundtrack consists of one, cheesy, American song sung by Richard Sanderson (who is that?). Song is called "Reality" and it's replayed throughout the movie like everytime the girl is going through the motions, which is about every scene. That's it. That's the theme song and it's hilarious. It's totally 80s cheese but that's what I love. This movie became a cult teen classic just like "The Breakfast Club" was for American teenagers. Its sequel was equally huge, which is rare, but the French are different from us. The movie was just so goddamn hilarious. Partly because it's French (French comedies are by far more hilarious and clever *see "Amelie"* than American comedies can ever be), and that it's a comedy about teenagers. Compare this movie to "Not Another Teen Movie" and "La Boum" is like "Godfather" while "Not Another Teen Movie" is well...."Not Another Teen Movie." The movie chronicles the life of a 13-year-old that's growing up, discovering love, heartache, parents on the verge of divorcing, friendships, affairs, grandmothers that act like 18, everything. It starrs Sophie Marceau, otherwise known as the "Bond girl" in "The World Is Not Enough." I didn't see it....but she wasn't Denise Richards, so she must be the other Bond chick. Just in "La Boum" she's only 13 which would launch her into superstardom. That's the other thing about the French; child superstars eventually become adult superstars, while American child stars usually fade away. *See Corey Feldman. See Gary Coleman. They manage to get into the news every now and then but never for their acting but getting arrested, etc. Anyway, "La Boum" could go on forever and we'd all still enjoy watching it. Vic (Sophie Marceau) enters Junior High and as a teenager, your sole existence is to be popular, get a boyfriend, etc. In France, it's to get invited to a "Boum" where you gain popularity and get a boyfriend. A normal "boum" in France is smoking (you can smoke at any age, they don't care), mack with strangers that you meet for the very first time, skank (the dance, not actually..skank yourself =P sorta like whore yourself in a way...you get the idea), drink, etc. Vic finally persuades her parents to let her go. Before going, she tries on a myriad of outfits all of which are just...outrageously....80s. Our entire class (a class of 8, including the teacher 9, mind you) is just out of their seats bawling with laughter. I mean, you view the fashion of the 80s in "Pretty In Pink" and you chuckle at the clothes, but I don't know what it is with "La Boum." It was just funnier than American fashion. I don't know. Anyway, she decides on something that wouldn't make her the laughingstock of the party and she finally arrives. This is her first boum and she's excited. She soon realizes it's a "childish" party and calls her parents to pick her up early. In the room she occupied while she called her parents, a guy sat on the couch listening to her conversation. They "connect" because they both felt it was "childish" and they started "dancing." He's a total stranger and they just press up against each other like they've been going out for months or years. And they're THIRTEEN. I can't emphasize this enough. Plus, they were smoking at the party. They're dancing to some fast-paced song...and the guy puts these headphones on her and drowns out the fast song and they just slow dance to "Reality." LoL.

This is only a conjecture, but I think the French sleep around but don't care much about it. It's not so "immoral" as it is here, although I'm beginning to think otherwise. So, the guy that Vic meets at the party (Mathieu) and he soon he goes out with a chick that's 16. Vic's best friend manages to spot them at a skating rink and calls Vic to come over and show him up. Vic's parents aren't home but she decides hastily that she needs to make him jealous. She rushes over and cozies up to another stranger, catching Mathieu's eye. When Vic's parents arrive home, she's nowhere to be found but they manage to locate her. Her father goes to the rink and Vic jumps at the opportunity to really make Mathieu jealous. She caresses her father's face, but he at first thinks she's only happy to see him. Then she lays a passionate kiss....ON HER FATHER. All of us are just going OH....MY....GOD. Man. That reminds me of the movie "My Father the Hero" which also starred a very famous French actor, Gerard Depardieu. The daughter pretended to be going out with an older man that was really her father to make a guy jealous because he thought she was too young for him. So she proved she was "mature" by going out with an older man. Same concept in "La Boum." Mathieu is seething when he sees this, so when Vic's father comes to pick her up at school, another hilarious moment arises. Vic's best friend's little sister thinks Vic's father is hella sexy. The little sister is what? 8? She's one of those bratty, reading-your-diary type of little sister. Yet she's seen "Sex O'clock." That's right, that's not a typo. All I gotta say is damn Frenchies. So the sister goes up and bats her eyelashes at Vic's father and he tries to be polite and chats with her. Mathieu spots him and says, "I know you like them young, but you like robbing the cradle too?" You know...I wonder if they have laws that are protect minors from dating adults as they do here. Probably not. Damn liberals. I'm moving to France. You pay tons of taxes but they provide everything for you all in one package. Insurance, sick days (take as many as you like, you still get paid), health care, welfare, everything. Anyway, Mathieu gets into a brawl with Vic's father and they're stopped by Vic's German teacher, who is having an affair with her mother. Anyway, Vic and Mathieu patch up their relationship, but aren't given time to spend time with each other. (Oh, all this time, she had her grandma take candid shots of Mathieu, which she blew up the size of her DOOR and placed it on her door, along with assorted candid phots of him all around her room. Do I hear the word stalker?) Mathieu goes to vacation in Cabourg and she can't bear not seeing him, so her grandmother decides to take her to Cabourg, where she fabricates a story about how she ran away just to see him. They go into some little shack house and are about to "do it" but they end up in a fight and their plans of losing their virginity are thwarted. Again, they're THIRTEEN. The grandmother, while waiting up for her granddaughter to return to the hotel they are staying at, she gambles. Losing their virginity is not even an issue because the adults don't even care. All the French people indulge in hedonism. Love, sex, and booze. La langue d'amour. Anyhoo, I'm gonna try to wrap this up. The movie ends...yes stop here if you don't want to know. The movie ends with the theme song and after holding her own boum, and dancing with Mathieu, some guy we don't know shows up and they lock eyes, even while she's holding Mathieu tight. Another song plays (and of course it's by the same guy singing 'Reality') and the guy and her start dancing except it's not the same. What she was going through looked like....she was having sex. Serious. And that's how the movie ends with all of us going "WTF? She went all through that trouble and heartache to get Mathieu back and she sees some stranger and automatically falls in love?" Our teacher said it symbolized that she was young and THINKS she knows about love but she really doesn't. Ahh, that is clever. What American could do that? Mad props to the French. I underestimated their capabilities to make a clever, well-crafted movie. I just had the notion that it was only about sex and sex. And it is, but it's got other stuff too. =)

Well, all I wonder is how "La Boum 2" is like (I heard it's even better coz Vic's parents get divorced and she gets mad and decides to become a prostitute. Where is the connection to that? Parents divorce...hmmm...I think I'll becoming a prostitute! LOL.) and if my French teacher's husband is extremely glad she's his wife (he's American). Muahahaha.

Anyway, that movie's got me thinking about "my guy." I don't know what it was, but today we were on the same wavelength as once. I was happy, he was happy, it was a good day. Probably because he got the CD he wanted. He whipped out the CD even and let me see it and told me "The lyrics are REALLY good." I retorted back with, "yeah but the music sucks." NYAHAHA. It does. I read the lyrics and I didn't get it. It's that poetic stuff that you need to "analyze." I mean I like songs that are somewhat comprehendible, but these lyrics...are just...out of the world. I have to say the cover art was pretty rad, but other than that, it meant nothing to me. I set the CD down and went back to my work and I could tell he was fidgeting and finally he blurted out, "You know, Pearl Jam and Staind will one day say they were influenced by this band [his favourite band]." And I'm there rolling my eyes and he's like, "What? They will!" And I'm like "Pearl Jam only said they were influenced by The Who, and some others but I've never heard/seen Pearl Jam mention them before." And he's like, "Actually, Pearl Jam once stated that they were a major influence." I don't believe it. I've searched the archives of their interviews and articles written on them, and like I said before, Pearl Jam never mentioned them before. Plus, I don't see the connection. The music is entirely different. Maybe the lyrics about society may be the same, but at least Pearl Jam has lyrics you can understand. As for Staind? Don't even go there. Anyway, since he was in a good mood, I asked him what I was going to ask him yesterday. Then I told him about how a friend of mine gave me advice about something I've been wondering about, and he's like, "::gasp:: then ::laugh:: What about the advice I gave you? So you listen to your friend but not me." And I say, "Well, I asked him specific questions and he gave me all the answers, including things I didn't ask for but might have." And he laughs again and says, "But you didn't ask me any questions. Well, that's ok that you didn't ask me instead. I'm not offended." Lol. He was probably a little if he stated he wasn't offended. Muahaha. And I'm not even really trying to make him jealous. =P I only told him this because he had been trying to convince me to change my mind about something and I thought it would relieve him if I told him I was considering another option. So yeah, to make him feel better I asked him questions. LoL. You could tell he was pleased. WUahaha. This is turning out...to be fun. =) You know, I've given some thought about this, and I feel that I shouldn't pursue this more than a friendship. Coz I don't have to lose any sleep over it, y'know? But I can still have feelings for him. That's always fun. A friend that I have feelings for...but not to pursue. It's sort of...like "Friends with benefits" type of thing but no sleeping around. Just, plain old fun. =) Verbal banter. But I say this because...I know nothing could happen. At least now. or never but that's not a big thing because although we can talk about...things...we're rather different and I'm not sure we'd get along very well if we were in a relationship because we're always at odds with each other. We rarely agree on things. Like some guy in the class asked us if the word "goddamn" was one word or two, and me and him both said at the same time "One" "Two." I said "one" he said "two." And we both started laughing. I got the upperhand tho coz the guy took my word for it. HA! But yeah, I don't know why he was so good-natured today. The guy that asked the question usually gets on his nerves but he answered it with a smile. Sigh. Just wish he was more like this everyday.

I have a major problem when people alter their names, their sound, their looks and anything to cater to what appeals to society. I especially have a problem with how society views Asian females still as "exotic" submissive creatures. I'm always hearing this from guys, "Yeah, you know, I want an Asian chick coz she'd cook and clean for me and do all that shit without complaints. Other chicks wouldn't do that for you." I wouldn't do it for you even if you paid me. So when my own family members add onto this erroneous, conventialized idea, it infuriates me to no end. For one, our last name is/was Thein. Most people can't even begin to pronounce it but they try to. They usually phonate it as "Thee-yen" or what my sister told people "Thin." I'm not one of those fanatics over my culture and heritage, but I couldn't believe my sister would do that. I know it gets redundant trying to get people to pronounce it correctly, but I'd rather kill myself in the process of trying to correct them to pronounce my last name correctly than just allowing people to screw up your name or provide an alternative to make it easier for them. I know I like making things difficult for others, but I have a reason. Take for example all those people who pronounce the name "Moran" as "moron." Or have "Damon" pronounced as "Da-mone" or "Damona." If you're the recipient of those sometimes innocent, and sometimes intentional errors, then you know how it feels to have your name pronounced correctly. Anyway, I only got angered by having people calling me Cynthia "Thin" because my sister managed to convince everyone it was pronounced "thin" and everyone thought it was so cool to have the last name 'thin.' Those that were ignorant were still ignorant when I managed to correct them everytime; they'd give me that blank stare and blink at me a couple of times before saying, "I thought it was 'thin?'" It's THEIN. Rhymes with VEIN. THEIN. Got it? Thank you Connie for clearing it up for the idiots out there.

Now onto the stereotypes for Asian chicks. I don't know what's so "exotic" about Asian women. They don't dress with flowers in their hair and skirts and demurely hide their eyes from one's view. They don't smell like curry. They look like your average child, teen, adult. Sure, some may try to accent their "Asian-ness" but not all do. However, those that immigrate to America are caught up in the fads of America and want to be Americanized. They're so unenlightened of American society and culture that if they knew, they wouldn't believe Americans were so great. Sure we have "Freedom" but even that is limited. It's sure as hell corrupted since it was founded. If you've got money and no brains, you can still get to the top. Look at Bush. He went to Yale or Harvard? I really doubt that if he were an average Joe with a single mom on welfare supporting him, he wouldn't have made it to Harvard or Yale. Maybe not even the local JC. The key is money. That's what America is: greed, money, and corruption. I wouldn't want to be an "American" with that in mind. Anyhoo, my cousin has been here a year and she's assimilating to the American culture. She told me she's doing everything within her power to emulate the styles, clothes, and our vernacular. She's done a pretty good job of it but that's nothing to applaud. What she's also emulated is our laziness, our procrastinating ways, our contemptuous manners, and more. I hate to see that happen to a person I at one time respected almost as much as I did my grandmother. My grandmother is probably the only person that I hold to the highest esteem. I don't mean to say I don't respect my cousin anymore, because I still do, but the rate that she's becoming "Americanized" is alarming. Her dad is trying to prevent her from going entirely to the other side. I laughed at her when she told me, "He can't prevent me from wearing what I want [she wears halter tops and the usual skin-clad clothes that young women wear today]. He's not supposed to do that." I laugh because it's sad. Anyway, before I lose my train of thought, my cousin tries to make everyone like her. She's a very friendly person and it's hard not to not like her, but I don't like the ways that she goes about it. She tries that "exotic" approach that Americans love. Everyone tries to figure out what ethnicity she is because she looks Filipino but they know she's not. She's pure Burmese and Burmese people are almost unheard of here. So the only ethnicity that they can pinpoint her to is Flips. Anyway, her Burmese name is Thanda Lin. At first, to make things easier, she told people to call her "Lynn." I understand most Asians have difficult names to pronounce, but hers is rather uncomplicated. But I was fine with that. Now she has people calling her "Thunder" because ONE person made a remark how that was a "beautiful" name coz they thought it was "Thunder" instead of "thanda." Now she calls herself Thunder. To me, she's a silly, romantic girl. She is. We talk all the time and she gets caught up in the "beauty" of things and nothing more. I don't know if I can call her shallow but I'm leaning towards it. Thank God that she still has an accent when pronouncing the "er" sound. So it still sort of sounds like she's saying her real name. LoL. But most people throw a hoopla over nature names like "Thunder," "Soleil," "Sunny," "Spring," "Autumn," etc. I'm going to name my imaginery child "John" or "Jane." Plain is best. Exotic sucks. Just be a person.

Green Day: Revisited. While I was listening to poppy music one upon a time, Green Day managed to wedge in between amongst all the R&B and stuff (before there were boy bands and Britney Spears) among my heart. I took an instant liking to it and still remains one of my most favourite bands today. Albeit their sound has gotten a little bit catchier since "Nimrod," I still love them nonetheless. Currently listening to "Poprocks & Coke" and "Blood, Sex, and Booze." Tres Cool has gotta hella chubby. Mike Dirnt...same ol, same ol. Billie Joe? Still the same. He's packed on a few pounds too, but not as much as Tres. But good times. Good ol punk.

My thoughts on yesterday's post? I was supposed to say something witty today. Right. It didn't happen, even if I had wanted to, there wasn't any time. Like I said, I barely utter a sentence to the guy everyday. Oddly enough, I was thinking about writing him a note in class (because we can't talk in class) about his opinion on something, but I never got around to it. Yet I guess he read my mind or something. Not really, but something like that. I was concentrating on the space of my desk and he moved to the side to get my attention. I'm sorta deaf and blind so I didn't notice for awhile and I just had a feeling someone was trying to get my attention. Sure enough he was. He passed me a slip of paper and he wrote something about how I probably didn't care, but his favourite band's new album came out today. Of course I care, but I'm not going to throw my arms around him and say "HURRAH. JOY TO THE WORLD!" Funny, I actually knew the album was coming out because I was checking out the band's site YESTERDAY for its lyrics. And I thought, "hey they have a new album...[person] must be excited." What a coincidence. Anyway, I played it subtle with a short, succint reply, "Yeah I know. [name of new album]" He read it, smiled giddly at me because it showed I did show an interest in what he likes, yet not really. Muahahaha. I remember telling him the band sounded gay. And they do. Sounds like mystic rock. Funky LSD type of band. But supposedly their lyrics contain a gripload of social commentary. Uh huh. ABOUT DRUGS. Just kidding. Anyway, he was about to write something else but decided against it because I didn't give much room for any more discussion, like I usually try to do, so he threw the note away and smiled again. I went back to staring at my desk. That little exchange made me a little happy. We almost have similar music tastes, but it also differs. For example, Pearl Jam. (yes, another Pearl Jam fanatic!! w00t) I like their earlier albums "Ten" and "Versus" because it has that "grunge" sound to it. I didn't particularly enjoy "Vitalogy," "No Code," or "Yield" but their 6th album "Binaural" - I really liked. He likes "Yield" (that's the most boring album they have. It sounds like "spiritual finding" type of songs. Gag me with a spoon. "Given to Fly" totally turned me off from Pearl Jam when I first heard it.) and "Vitalogy." Vitalogy is actually ok, has a few good songs on there like "Betterman," "Cordoruy," "Nor For You," "Whipping," (this is where I got http://whipping.blogspot.com from) and "Last Exit." The rest of the album pretty much blows. "No Code" pretty much blows too but they have a few good songs. It just has to grow on you. His most hated album is "Binaural." How can he say that?! Binaural is one of their better albums. It ranks up probably above "Vitalogy." Anyway, totally disagree. He doesn't like "Ten" because everyone only knows of "Ten" and that's their only claim to fame. It is but it still got some of the best Pearl Jam songs out there. ANYHOO. Pearl Jam tangent. =) yeah, he said "Binaural" sounded like it was recorded in a garage instead of a studio. Um, isn't that better? It sounds more raw and natural, not studio fabricated. Yet he likes "The Strokes" which sort of sound like they recorded in a garage, but that's the effect. Weirdo. I could go on all day arguing about Pearl Jam. But I need sleep. Um...I'm lost now. Need to reread what I was trying to say. Pearl Jam will do that to you. Anyway, my point was before I went off about Pearl Jam was that we're always providing useless or useful trivia about bands we like. Haha. That reminds me, I need to tell him about Aaron Lewis and his daughter.

I seem happy now about all that but he ruined the moment with something else. I don't feel like writing about it.

And now I go.

This hasn't been the best of days. Started out good and gradually went to suck. Sometimes the littlest things brings people down.

Math was good. I rarely get to talk to people that I used to hang out with anymore and since AP exams are over, teachers are being a little lenient on us by giving us free days. Well. Only Mr. Graham coz he's nice like that. Art..is art like usual. My teacher drew his own self-portrait that is uncannily his exact image, except it looks like what those sketch artists draw for a picture of a criminal. Third, I grade papers and listen to "A Raisin in the Sun." Fourth, I'm bored. History is supposed to be fun but it hasn't been for awhile. I guess because there's tension between me and Jackson. I swear, I can't ever end a year without being pist at someone. But you know, I don't really care. I just wish this year would be over with. Lunch, officer meeting at French club. It was pretty nice. I don't hate Michael Ting anymore. He's grown on me. I don't know why but it's true. In French, we watched what would be the "The Breakfast Club" of the French teen movies. It was pretty hilarious and us girls enjoyed it while the two guys moped and whined about watching the simpsons instead. I would care to explain why the movie was good but...don't feel up to it just now. Just gotta get stuff off my chest for now. Sixth...wasted my time. Go home. Sleep. Eat dinner. Choked on a gripload of water and spit it all out. Talked with Michael's little brother, Simon (cute little guy). Talked with Brian...he got me thinking...actually before and now...but maybe I could go into criminology? It's always fascinated me...and I'm thinking about taking humanities/law next year. I'm a little iffy on law coz I'm not a really good public speaker...but it sort of is interesting. I love watching courtcases and the drama (cept law and order). Eh. Brian also offered to help me if I needed any. He's such a great guy. We're actually really...similar. More on that later. If I remember. Talked to Vipul. Been a lllloooong ass time. Vipul broke up with his girlfriend. I guess it was bound to be. Long distance thang, and that never seems to work out. Now he's up on the market. He's become quite a lady's man among the chicks here. Especially for prom. Cept his parents don't like any of his friends cept for me. Muahaha. I feel special. Anyway, we caught up....kinda. Exchanged witty repartees here and there. As usual. Played Big2. And should be startign on homework right now. Excuse the egregious errors I'm making as I type this. I just feel....really drained and I feel like just writing nonsense for no reason. Sometimes it's good for you. You know?

Anyway, I've been thinking, but when do I ever stop thinking? I'm just having more doubts about people. Or just weird feelings. My sister's boyfriend's good friend....he's always asking me to go out with him to places. Not like on dates or nothing....but just places. It's innocent enough but my radar went off. When guys start asking that kinda stuff, you know they're interested. when they say, "Let's hang out." "Hang out" is the key word...or words. And he's desparate for a girl. We get along great. There's never a dull moment, but I thought it was fine until he started asking me to go places. It just felt like it crossed the line. And I stopped talking to him, or at least rarely talk to him now. he's like bugging my sister and his friend if they know where I am and stuff. I dunno...but stuff like that scares me. I don't think I could ever go past friendship, into other stuff, y'know? Or at least...I got to really like the person back. And right now, I do like someone, but I have mixed feelings. I'm not sure if I really like them....maybe it's just...something else. Plus, it's highly implausible for anything to develop. Something has developped but not the way I want it. And I'm wondering if that person really cares for me..as they claim....or indiscreetly claims. I mean...I thought about how this person talked with other girls...and it was always...seemingly flirtatious and happy. With me...it's always serious. Is that a good thing or bad thing?? Sometimes a girl wishes the guy would be flirty. But then how would I react? I mean I don't flirt, but I tease. But he just responds seriously or sighs. I wish he'd lighten up around me. Or maybe it's just because he believes I'm a serious person and that I should be treated that way. I am and I should, but sometimes I feel like being silly. And he never is with me. I think it's because he believes he knows the real me and the real me isn't happy or silly, but serious and rather sad. it is true, but a person can't always live under a dark cloud all their life. I've tried and sometimes I do want to see the sunshine upon my face. I really don't know where this is going. For the first time, I've felt something close to heartache. I'm not going to be "I can't live anymore because this person doesn't return the feelings" because I already know what will happen or...the lack of what will happen. But the little hope that I have makes it painful. What did they say about Pandora's box? The only thing that humankind had left was hope. So why does it hurt? he treats me differently than other girls..and altho that's a good thing, I set myself for something else. Just seriousness. It's like we can have no fun. I try to with him but he just doesn't want to laugh with me, like he wants me to live as unhappily as I could be because he thinks that's all I can feel. That's a sign of not really understanding me when I thought he did. Seems like nobody does. But even with this, I still "like" him. It's more than "like" I know that, but...it's not love. There are other factors involved. It's all so complicated. But I do wish I had somebody to love. Whether it be family or someone, I don't really have anyone. I don't feel any great love for anyone. No matter what they say/do for me, I can't bring myself to feel the same that they may feel about me. And it's the worse feeling in the world that you can't feel it for anyone.

I rarely find people that I really connect with and like. But once I do, I know there isn't a chance in the world. While all the rest I could have a chance, but I don't want that chance. Life's complicated as it goes. Or maybe it's just the weather? There's that Nirvana song...I forget what...tht goes "Weather changes mood." Could just be it. Well tomorrow I see this person. It's rather funny becausee I often think of what I will say to him about something. Like I plan it all out. Usually it's to be "witty." And I had something in mind for tomorrow, but I don't feel like it anymore. I don't know why I'm putting all this effort for nothing. "I tried so hard, and got so far, but in the end, it doesn't even matter." I mean, I already know what his reaction will be. He'll most likely smile or give me a look like he's annoyed, but you know he's really not. I bet he enjoys that I tease him. Probably makes him feel special inside. LoL. But he never jokes back. The rare times that he ever jokes with me is when I'm so not in the mood. God we have bad timing. I should just give this up. It was hopeless from the start. The funny thing is...I don't really feel anything at school. Well, not much. I used to want his attention, but now...I barely acknowledge hiim. We barely talk. and then when we do talk it's like..huge. But it's me who's doing most of the talking. And he always ends it. I've never been on the pursuing end. I feel pathetic. I feel like he's using me. But then he "gives back" to make up for it. I guess. I'm tired. I need to start my homework.

May 6th, 2002

To Whom It May Concern:

To be ordinary is a common curse. The majority of us mere mortals suffer from this strangling disease; some without even realizing it. Only the select few amongst the living are blessed enough to have been touched by the personal hand of God and therefore are deemed, extraordinary.

Cynthia Chen.

Is there even a doubt?

Extraordinary, by a long shot!

When Cynthia shrunk over a foot and a half in height over the span of two months in one summer. Extraordinary.
Stayed up 72 hours straight writing love poems to Eddie Vedder and then camped out in front of his tour bus drunk from berry peach wine coolers. Extraordinary.
Stalked Aaron Lewis for four days straight by following him on her Malibu Barbie pink tricycle all over Europe. Extraordinary.
Watched demented movies filled with sex, violence, and perverse deviant behavior with her parents every weekend. Extraordinary.
Not smiling, not even once, from the hours of 8 to 3 Monday through Friday, since birth. Extraordinary.
Complaining about anything and everything, everyday, all the time, without ceasing, loving every minute of it, without remorse, while laughing on the inside. Extraordinary.

I could go on, but is there really a need? Cynthia is more than qualified for anything she wants. With her qualifications, there isn't anything, any job that is above her. I cannot recommend her more highly.

Regards,

Mr. Chang
English Teacher
South Hills High School

Ladies and gentlemen, the first ever satire written on me. ::rolls eyes:: Actually, it brought tears to my eyes...from laughing too hard. It wasn't what I expected..but then again...I did expect something of this sort. I never knew he could be funny. And all along I thought he was a tightwad. I find it funny because for the first time, I am mocked and criticized. Perhaps not the first time to be criticized, but mocked. But I was left with a verbal disclaimer not to take this too seriously. But he dares poke fun of my shortness! I almost got into a fight with a guy twice my size over this, so it's a very sensitive area for me when making fun of my stature. Hmm....and he picks the number 72. Very clever. I didn't notice it at first but the number 72 is significant. Guess all the "skills" I was taught from his class is finally coming in handy. Never overlook anything, even if it may be a simple letter as this. 72 = number of bootlegs that were issued from Pearl Jam's American and European Tour. Love poems....he's making fun of me because I happen to really like "Last Kiss" by Pearl Jam and supposedly that's one of their "worst songs ever made." I do not have an infatuation with Eddie Vedder (lead singer of Pearl Jam if it's not obvious). Ok, maybe just a little. -_- But only because I respect him, his actions, his music, his lyrics, almost everything. Have he no mercy? Picking on my favourite bands. Staind's frontman, Aaron Lewis (whose wife just gave birth to their first child a few weeks ago by the way!!! It's a girl!!! Congrats to Aaron and Vanessa) is tossed into the crossfire. My extreme dislike for pink and "plastic" characters. And just because I happened to watch ONE movie (American Psycho, yes I admit not the movie to watch with your parents or....anyone for that matter) that was extremely violent and sexual in nature....sheesh. I do smile. Sometimes. Psh, like he ever smiles. Hah, well at least I'm glad he knows I revel in bitching.

Anyway, what a retard. =) I am smiling because it's not 8 to 3 anymore. But you know, this recommendation sounds like it's for a job. Not to be someone's prom date! Blah. Que sera, sera.

For those who're still worried if I'm ok...I'm FINE. Just a little overwhelmed with SATs and AP exams. That's all. My art teacher wished me good luck twice on my exams. What a guy =)

What was supposed to be an extremely busy day (meaning all-nighter, perhaps), I'm actually done with my homework before midnight! That's an extreme first. Especially when I was worried like shit today about not sleeping....again and I've got SATs on Saturday. I manage to sign up for the SATs during the most inopportune times. I thought that in May, we'd have STAR testing so it'd be less work and maybe I'd have time to study for my SATs. But NO, I forgot one minor...well major detail. AP EXAMS. Although I'm not in many AP classes (heh dropped one) I'm only taking 2 AP exams, but I still gotta study like mad hell for it. If I'm lucky, I'll pass both with a 3. Sigh. I wanted to get a 4 but that's highly unlikely.

I'm taking a blogger break. I just need a break from drawing for 7 hours straight. I used to love drawing, but not for a grade, and especially when I hate the assignment. My drawing that's due tomorow is actually a week late. I started on it on Wednesday, and I was supposed to have it done LAST Wednesday but due to STAR testing, it got postponed and is to be turned in along with our other assignment - a tissue paper painting (what more crap can our art teacher think up for us?). Sigh, I wanted to go into AP art but I think I'm gonna drop it for next year. Won't have enough time with AP Lit, Yearbook, Journalism, Calc BC...other shit. No art college for me. Sigh.

Things....are going rather OK again. I actually respond to my dad rather than my monosyllabic grunts, and my mom is talking to me...and not whining how I never talk to her. I still don't, but I guess she's accepted the fact that I'm never going to warm up to her. For Mr. Chang....he talks to me as if I'm delicate. =P He usually tells me what I have to do for him when I come into his class, but now he asks me if I want to do it or if I have other things to do, his stuff can wait. My attitude towards him has totally changed as well. And it's not just from our conversation the other day....but....ever since I became his aide. I don't understand it, but I became less hostile towards him....and more respectful and subdued. No biting, sarcastic comments (well, kept at the very low minimum), really...nothing of my old self. Is it because I've just lost energy? I don't know. But I know he can stop treating me like I'm gonna collapse when I broke the ice today. Coz he initiates things, I never do...at least anymore. But anyway, one of my friends, Vipul, whom I've known since...we were TINY tots, can't go to prom because his parents are hella strict...blah blah. And we all know he really wants to go, so one of my friends made up an application form to be Vipul's date for Prom. It's not real, it's just a joke, but it's a nice one...just to show how much we care in an odd sort of way. The forms were passed out to all of his friends (including guys) and it basically was any application that you'd apply to for a job/college, AP class...whatever. There was even a part where you applied for a Scholarship, which rewarded you with a full-expense paid Prom night. It's pure bullshit, but it's funny. There's also a checklist that we have to use...1) completely fill out the application 2) get parent signature (yeah I'm serious, it says that) 3) get a teacher recommendation 4) Include a check or money order of $15. Retarded huh? I'm actually going to do all of that cept the money part. I'll just grab some money from my "Life" game and stuff it in there. Then I'll get my parent's signature (they never read what they have to sign, hopefully they won't this time either), and I just need the teacher's recommendation which I asked Chang to do for me. He obliged kindly. So we're on good terms again....I think.

Welps, gotta sleep.