Jackson asked me if I would ever feel jealous if I saw C2 with another girl. I said I wouldn't because I wouldn't have to worry that he would like another girl. Then today when I saw him with another girl and I just felt this pang of jealousy. Why? Because I always see him with her when he's not by himself. I forget if she's married or not but I hope she is. Dammit. I felt like a total fucking loser today. The day has just gone down downhill and it fucking sucks. I don't want to be jealous. I also don't want to be stupid by thinking I have a future with this guy when I don't. I know I that I don't, but there's something inside of me that doesn't want to acknowledge that fact.

I've returned but I don't think I've gotten any further from where I was last.

I love blogger because I can return to my old archives and read exactly what I was feeling on a certain day, certain time. What I found? I still feel the same from the past.

I'm still semi-hung up over C2. He hasn't totally been out of my mind and I don't think he ever will be, even years to come. He's the epitome of what I want in a guy. Dry, witty sense of humor, intelligent, older, profound love for music and movies, and just a person I have no hesitation to talk to. The only thing is it could never be. I mean it could be, but he's not the type to fall for some silly girl like me. I really wish I could read minds. If I knew he had even a small bit of interest that'd satisfy me and probably make me happy. But the thing is, I don't know and that's what's killing me.

Three years. Three years I put my heart on my sleeve, except I kept my sleeve hidden from his view. I'm not sure if I would ever work up the nerve to ever tell him that I liked him. And even if I did, what would be the point? He would already have found someone by that time. Me - I'd still be alone as ever wishing that he would someday look in my direction. And if he didn't, would I seize the opportunity? Would he like me back? Or would he like me only because he was afraid of dying alone? It hurts so much to like someone and not have them even know.

This is my last year with him, although we don't even get to see each other this year. Or sparingly. If he only knew...