So I return once again to here. My latest infatuation? Jason Lee. Perhaps his real life persona is closer to the character he plays in Heartbreakers. By all his colleagues he's known as the greatest guy but then that's what everyone says about each other. Until he starts becoming a huge celebrity like Tom Cruise, that's when the shit talking begins. Meanwhile, I still think he's wonderful. I love the fact that he has a receding hairline, his wit, and strangely, I keep thinking he's Canadian. Anyway, like all the single people out there, I wonder when it'll be my turn. Hopefully he will be like Jason Lee. Or Kevin Smith. or Drew Carey.

Anyway, the end of my high school years are nearing. Very quickly. It's not like the movies. Nothing ever is and I wish it was. Just allow myself one movie moment and I'd be content. It has yet to happen. Friends? I'm not sure I have them. Like our psychology teacher said. As freshman, you begin in a huge group of friends. Throughout the years, the groups split up into mini groups and the groups get smaller and smaller every time. The many best friends you used to have, you'd be lucky to have even one at the end of your senior year. All that is true. I never doubted it once. These people whom I'll forget because we have no emotional attachment. It's quite sad but it allows me to propel myself in the other direction: a fresh start. I've been under my own misery for so long, that I long for happiness, for human interaction, for some love. But it hurts to fall in love and never tell a soul especially the person who is the apple of your eye. To deal with the pain of seeing the person with another person because you were too chicken to do anything about it and lost your chance when you had it. That's my life. I have a feeling that aspect of my life will never change while the rest will. What nobody knows is that I yearn for someone to just stop respecting my space and the distance I like to keep between me and everyone and tell me that they can't take it any longer and can't deal with the fact that I push everyone away. That they need me and wants me to know that so maybe I just might come out of my own lonely world and allow myself to love the person. But no one is brave enough to do that. They all give me my space thinking it's what I want and it's not. Those who give me my space don't really know me then. Or at least I'm just a great actress in portraying myself as something that I'm not. I'm good at hiding everything deep inside the crevices of my heart. I'm still looking for that person. I see all these guys who admit their feelings for the girls they like and I wonder, why couldn't I be one of them? They don't like me because they think they know me too well and know I'm a hopeless case if pursued. I just wish somebody would give me a chance. But I don't see that happening.

Wow, haven't used this in a long time. Maybe I should again. It seems like all the teenage angst has returned. The "I hate everything and everyone" has submerged again. Why should I be feeling this way when I'm leaving high school in about a mouth? I should be walking away and never looking back. But I keep thinking how everything's supposed to be the best time of my life with friends and it's nothing of the sort. I watch too much TV.

Looking back at my archives...the whole C2 thing. He didn't even talk to me in an outing that I thought I would get a chance to say something. Well once, but it was only because he was in my way and he let me go first. The whole event I just felt...torn. Just felt like going home and crying. Thank god for Alice. She made the event better. Her and Allen. I love those two. But aside from that...I truly felt heartache. Just sat there alone in the bus glimpsing in the window's reflection at him while he chatted away with others. I'm not sure if I want to see him at the end of the year. Will I have the courage to do it? Right now I'm not sure I do. I don't want to either. I'm going to leave this school year miserable and feeling like I should have done something and didn't. That's the regret I'll have in life. Not going to prom, coz that's stupid. A dance is a dance, but C2 is something different.

Ah screw this.